Das Tagebuch

It has happened....my worst nightmare.
For all these months I've avoided it, I've avoided it for years,s o many tests, so many assumptions, and now...I've finally been found out. I have cancer. I truly have relapsed, its hard to believe. And my bank account has run dry, even if I was to try for treatment I can't afford it. We can't afford it, not unless we sell everything, including our home, and I won't have it.
I'm so afraid of this though...and Dante doesn't know yet, I don't want him to. He'll treat me different, it won't be the same. I'll be nothing more than a dying man to him, he wont' marry me....and then, really, I will have failed at life. I will have given up all my dreams, even though they have been right at my finger-tips for so long.
I'm afraid I'll die alone...once Dante finds out, and my family doesn't- seeing as they arn't in contact with me. I have nobody else...even Bee is gone, and if he wasn't he's far too young to understand whats happening with Daddy number two.
My body is failing me...right at the worst possible time. Mireq said its been months, maybe even as much as half a year since I relapsed...and that is late to catch it. My stomach hurts so much...and I'm so tired, I don't know how I'm going to do this honestly...without help, without Dante knowing. I'm afraid I'm really going to die. I'm afraid I'm far too tired to even try to the fullest of my ability. I can't do this again...I just can't.
I think this is the end...and I don't know w hat to do...beyond disappear. I...I've been thinking on it. To save Dante the grief, maybe just leave him a note, to inform him...to explain why I do what I do, so he understands...then I can just go. I'll set him free. I think thats what he needs most...just to be free from me. Especially now, that I'm not much more than a cancer patient, yet again. I can't do this for another five years of my life...I won't. I can't do this alone, and I can't ask for Dante to help me- thats too much.
Next time I write, who knows where I will be and what will have happened- I wish I could find out though. I'm so scared.