Das Tagebuch

I'm still here...thankfully, for the most part. Today has been a rough one, but not all of it has been so bad. Anyday I get to be with Dante for the most of is a good day in my mind. I need to think of it that way always, because...who knows how long now I'm going to be this lucky? And be...well, this mobile and alive.
Either way...I'm not getting into that, I think about it too much as it is, and I'm terrified. I guess I'm having treatment soon too...which is all the more frightening; I don't think Dante understands just how rough this is going to be...
I wish he'd listen to me sometimes, I don't want to have it, but if I have to, I'd seriously rather be able to come home after even if I'm sick. I don't want to be stuck at the hospital for three weeks of every month between chemotherapy. I don't want to be stuck there for years in isolation again either. I so want to be married...I want to do what we had set out to do- as if nothing was wrong, because thats the only way I can be happy. So much focus on my problems isn't good...I'll deal with it, but I want to have life still...Dante doesn't understand that.
I guess I could understand if I was in his place, but..I don't know. I did what I could for him when he was so sick and needing his transplant to make him happy. I just don't think he understands how important that is...he doesn't understand any of this...and I don't know if I can do this on my own...
I Hope it all works out...for now, I feel like I'm dying at the moment. I feel so sick...I should have taken pain killers, I don't know, b ut this is getting bad.